Monday, March 15, 2010

A Spring Break Anecdote

I come here tonight to tell you a true life tale of horror and astonishment. Well actually I'm here because I woke up twelve hours ago so I'm not really tired yet and I'm hoping this pushes me over the edge considering I have to wake up in five hours for work. Woooooooof.

So on Weds Dan and I drove from Daytona to Melbourne to hang out with the lovely Ali Hoxie and her bff Mel for the day. As in our typical fashion, the day consisted of laying on the beach potentially getting cancer and eating chips. Then we went to this restaurant and ate MORE food and took full advantage of the beach bar which allowed us to bring our daiqs onto the beach...perfection. But all this was to come to a bitter, bitter (hilarious) end.

I'm choosing to relate this theatrically.

A group of attractive, tan JMU students are lying on the beach, minding their own business. A crazed townie approaches. He notices that two of the ladies have Strawberry Daiquiris

Crazy: Y'all drinkin' too? Just layin' on the beach drinkin'? Me and my buddies are too!

The group of students politely smile, hoping this is all some sort of horrible nightmare that they will soon awaken from.

Crazy: Y'all on Spring Break? Where y'all from?
Shannon: Virginia.
Crazy: Really? Ole' Virginie? I hear they got good huntin' up there. I love huntin'. Where in Virginia?
Shannon: About two hours from DC.
Crazy: Oh, Houston?
Dan:, Washington D.C.?
Crazy: HAHAHAHAHA, I don't actually know where that is!

The students stare in stunned silence.

Crazy: So did you all get those drinks at the bar over there? Just drinkin' on the beach, I like that, I like that! I mostly like to drink in the woods though.

The silence continues.

Crazy: I'm from St. Cloud, y'all know where that is?
Shannon: Noooope.
Crazy: Well it's this small town. Next to this Puerto Rican town though. They got all these n****rs, like the Haitians from Africa.

The silence goes from stunned to appalled and astounded. Crazy continues to ramble on with many a racial slur, until Shannon finally moves past the shock and absorbs what she has been listening to.

Shannon: Wait...did you say Haitians...from AFRICA?
Crazy: Yeah I don't really know where that n****r country is. It's just poor and stuff, hahahahaha!
Shannon:'s in Central America.
Crazy: Man I don't even know! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

The students begin to pray for any kind of intervention.

Crazy: So you all stayin' in a motel or somethin'?
Shannon: We're staying with friends.
Ali: I'm staying with my brother.
Crazy: Oh, y'all got kinfolk down here? Alright, alright.

The silence continues, now mostly because none of the students have ever heard anyone actually use the word kinfolk in a non-mocking setting. Crazy, finally sensing that there is a disconnect, prepares to rejoin his band of townie brothers.

Crazy: Well I'll let you all get back to your drinkin' and tannin'.

Mel, meanwhile, has been completely ignoring the conversation, probably just hoping for it all to go away, by laying on her towel not making eye contact with Crazy.

Crazy: Well, except this girl, she's WHITE!

Mel finally looks at crazy. Her eyes are full of wrath and pure disdain.

Crazy: HAHAHAHAHA well y'all have fun, feel free to come say hi!

The students soon thereafter packed their towels and left, forever altered by the experience.

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