Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Dhall Love

I feel like my best posts happen when I'm procrastinating, so here it goes.

Also, as a side note, I am currently listening to the Dreamgirls Soundtrack. I have two questions: 1)Why is this so legitttttt, 2)Why do I not listen to this more? Probably because I over-exhausted it during Christmas Break 2006. Matthew Stephens remembers all too well.


The semester is winding down (THANK THE LORD), and while I literally cannot wait to never attend my current classes ever again, there are several things I'm sad about as the 2008-2009 school year comes to end. The first is obviously that I will not have immediate access to all of my favorite people (other than a few) for almost four whole months. So sad. :( The second is that I will have to start making my lunches and I'm not really sure what I'm going to do if I don't eat turkey american cheese bacon lettuce and honey mustard on a wheat wrap at least once a day. Most likely laziness will be the victor...aka I will consider individually packaged cheddar cheese and a yogurt "lunch". It's NOT fine. The third is the loss of the music library. This might actually be the hardest blow to take. I just have to remind myself that it's not forever, August is not that far away. Plus this gives me a whole summer to figure out how to get rid of that fricken dog.

This leads me to my fourth point...the loss of DHall Wednesdays.

Back story: I used to hate Dhall. I don't think I'll ever really be like "Dhall, omg, so delicious" because it really isn't. But over the course of this semester I have grown tolerate, fond even, of Dhall simply because of the social opportunities it has (aka basically all of JMU eats there, so you always end up seeing like 40 people you know). Two weeks ago Dan and I went on a Dhall date, and I officially became DHall Wednesday Dinner's biggest fan.

We were sitting in the middle section, probably eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch (me) and being sassy (Dan), when a 6 year old walks next to our table with a plate full of chicken nuggets and pizza.

Sorry, I just got really bored telling this story. That's probably not a good sign because I wasn't even telling it to anyone. I think I'm just going to end that story there, a)because a lot of people already know how it ends and b)people who don't now have a great opportunity to use their imaginations to end this story. I mean I have a really great set-up. In fact, even though I blatantly know how this story ends, I'm going to use my own imagination and come up with an alternative ending (chose your own adventure books anyone?).

The child approached Dan. We were both taken aback by his gleaming red eyes. I couldn't help but feel a sense of foreboding.

"Excuse me sir," he said softly. "Where can I find the ketchup?"

The child was polite...too polite. Dan hesitated for a moment, but then said,

"Here, let me show you." And with that, he rose from the table and led the child to the condiments bar.

I was uneasy. My nerves were on fire and my bones tingled. My intuition was telling me that something wasn't right. What was a child doing alone at Dhall on a school night? Where were his parents? Better yet, where was his hot Big Brother (HBB, if you will)?

Then I realized...this was no child. This was something far more sinister. I knew I couldn't leave Dan alone with him. I ran as fast as I could, but the three seconds it took was not fast enough.

The condiments bar was gone, and in its place was a vast pit. I expected this to lead to the kitchens underneath Dhall, but I should have known that the world as I knew it had become a far different place.

The pit was about twenty feet in diameter, and it was outlined in a ring of fire. From the looks of it, the pit was deep...deeper than even the JMU tunnels. Dan and the child were gone.

I reacted immediately, without thought, without consideration of the consequences. I only knew of my undying love for Daniel Clyde Snyder, so I did what made sense...I ran to the pit...and jumped.

The fall took longer than I thought it would. It was deeper than I had anticipated. After I landed, I realized that I was not only still alive, but I was in no pain. This didn't make sense...until I realized what I landed on. It was soft and leafy. This seemed so familiar to me. It was only when the vines began to wrap themselves around my body that I knew what it was...a Devil's Snare!

I had always known my unhealthy obsession with Harry Potter would come in handy, but I never thought I would be able to put it to practical use. I of course knew the only way out of this mess was through fire (thanks Hermione), but even in this alternate world, I was merely a human with no magical powers and no wand. I began to panic...and then I heard voices.

I looked far to my right, and I realized I was not alone. There at the bottom of the pit were Joe Scott, my brother Jacob...and John Stamos. Before I could say anything, Jacob threw something to me, a grill lighter.

"What is this?" I yelled in a strained voice, as the vines were beginning to close around my throat.

"It's the lighter I used to burn our house down!" he called back.

"But Jacob, that was over twelve years ago!"

"I kept it as a memento!"

I realized that this conversation was trivial and that we could continue it after I rescued myself. I grabbed the lighter, held the safety, and pulled the trigger. A giant ball of fire came out of the end like a flame thrower, and the Devil's Snare immediately released me.

I ran over to Jacob, Joe, and John, gasping for breath and examining myself. I was bleeding pretty profusely all over my arms and legs, and I began to feel lightheaded.

"Sit down, let me help you, I'm a doctor!" cried John Stamos.

"No you're just pretended to be one on ER, and everyone knows that show got cancelled," I said.

John Stamos slapped me. Before I could get angry, he yelled,

"We don't have time for pettiness woman! You have a responsibility, you must complete the task ahead!" He then quickly (and effectively) bandaged my wounds with the first aid kit conveniently hung on the wall of the pit.

I stood and shook his hand.

"Never again will I doubt you John Stamos! Now I must be off! I have a tall blond man to save!"

"I'm coming with you!" cried Joe, who, after two complete decades on earth, had never been more prepared to fight.

"I've fought panther warriors before, and I will help you find Dan!"

And with that, we were off. We ran down the tunnel at the bottom of the pit for what felt like miles until we came to a door. I pressed my ear up against it, and I could faintly hear a child’s laugh…it was not a pleasant sound.

“Look, a keyhole,” Joe whispered. “Look through it, is Dan in there?”

Taking his advice, I pressed my eye to the small hole just above the doorknob. Sure enough, there was Dan, with the demon child hovering by his side. Dan was unconscious, but he was still breathing. There was still hope.

I looked at Joe.

“I’m going in. Also, Happy Birthday.”

With tears glistening in his small asian eyes, he smiled and said,

“Thanks Shan. And good luck.”

I took a breath, opened the door…


1 comment:

  1. Shannon. You are hilarious. Will you please write a book? An autobiography, perhaps? Thanks. Bye.