Monday, November 22, 2010

I hate Dave Matthews Band

And I pretty much have for my entire adult life.

I'm sort of surprised no one has ripped my diploma from me yet, because apparently it's impossible to be a college student without liking Dave Matthews (and somehow I made it four years).

But I really do hate DMB. Sorry not sorry.

Unfortunately for Dave, it doesn't have much to do with his music.

It started on June 25, 2006. The reason I know the exact date is because I distinctly remember this happening the DAY before my birthday which made it twice as infuriating. So let's set the scene...

The summer after my senior year of high school I was an usher for Nissan Pavilion (an outdoor concert arena, for my readers from afar). I was actually a VIP usher, and the VIP ushers were in charge of the high paying guests and subscribers. They have special "boxes" in the pavilion, and there's also a special club (which is more like an exclusive patio) that the ushers have to "stand guard" at to make sure only VIP customers enter. I HATED working there. It was the ultimate test in customer service because not only is everyone obnoxious, everyone is DRUNK. And you still have to be nice to them. The following things are the only things I enjoyed about working at Nissan:
1. I met the drummer from the Foo Fighters, who is seriously SO hot and maybe the most charming person I've ever met
2. One time a drunk guy at the Jimmy Buffett concert tipped me $50 to pour his beer. We weren't supposed to accept any tips at all but this was at the end of the summer and I had stopped caring.
3. I got to work in the house for the Kelly Clarkson Concert (this was the Breakaway Tour, aka at the height of Kelly gloriousness), and at the end of the show she walked through the aisles during Since You Been Gone...aka a foot from me. It was awesome.

BUT THAT'S IT. THREE THINGS. Other highlights included car trips with Sarah and Joe (who both worked there for a hot sec) when we sang RENT in opera voices...but I don't think that had anything to do with Nissan so I'm not counting it.

Anyway. Back to the story at hand.

On this particular evening Sarah and I both got assigned to work together at the front of the club. This meant we stood at the bottom of a wooden ramp and let people in the club and made sure the non-VIP guests (the 3rd class passengers, if you will) didn't get in. Two things about this particular evening: Everyone was high (it's Dave Matthews, after all), and it was POURING. I kid you not, it was like someone took a bucket of never ending water and poured it on the pavilion for an hour. Luckily for all the guests, the concert pavilion is covered. The staff who stand outside? NOT SO FORTUNATE. They gave us "rain ponchos" to keep us dry, but that pretty much only worked for our Nissan-logo bearing shirts. The rest of our bodies (including our mandatory socks and close toed shoes) were drenched. If I remember correctly, I looked sort of like this:

So there we were, FREEZING and soaked, unable to hear any music, on the eve of my 18th birthday...did I mention that my friend Eek was also having a party we were missing? A party with LUMPIA AND FILIPINO FOOD? Yeah I was not happy.

But all of this was Christmas morning compared with what was to happen next. The rain finally died down, so guests started to wander to the food stands and club. One particular guest, a man who was at least 35 years old and completely wasted, wandered over to Sarah and I to "chat". We humored him, denied his request to let him into the club, and we fully expected him to eventually leave us alone.

Buuuuut first he had a favor to ask of us.

Crazy: Ok ladies, before I leave, can I have a kiss?
Me and Sar: I'm sorry sir, but no.
Crazy: Oh come onnnn I'm not leaving until I get one!

He then offered his cheek to Sarah, who hesitated, but kissed it so he would leave us alone.

I was not as giving. He offered his cheek for approximately ten seconds, which I stared at coldly. He then shrugged and said "Ok, that was your only chance!" and began to walk away...



IT WAS NOT OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He sprinted away before I could punch him in the testicles, but the damage was done and I am probably emotionally scarred for life.

When I tell people this story, they don't understand why I don't just hate crazy creeper, it has nothing to do with Dave Matthews. But to them I say, if it weren't for Dave Matthews, I never would have even been at that concert, and even if I had been working another event that very same night, chances are wasted guy would not have been there, since the DAVE MATTHEWS culture is partially what contributed to my trauma. So he gets 100% of the blame.

And that's why I hate Dave Matthews.

This story does have a happy ending though. After the concert Eek's party was still raging, so I went home to put on dry clothes and when I walked into my room it was FILLED WITH BALLOONS! Joe and Harry had come over while I was at work and filled my whole room with balloons and birthday signs since I was turning 18 at midnight. It rocked twice as much as usual a)because I LOVE surprises and b)Because my day had so epically sucked. Then I went to Eek's and ate a crap ton of food and it was magical.

P.S. This blog post has inspired me to blog about other things that I hate vehemently, of which there are more than you'd think. So stay tuned for some fun ones.

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